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a brief reminder

by The Mess Inside

/
1.
exorcise 01:33
stoplights and street signs grow blurry as i drive further from you you are not here now but still i cough and tremble exorcising you out of me requires a spirit i no longer know how to use
2.
i wake up and hear the news and get ready for work as if nothing happened, that 200,000 dead doesn't affect the way i breathe as if it's healthy to be aware of so much that we have so little power over it's all so much and all the time it's all so much and all the time
3.
here i'm visiting you in your new life the world here seems ever so bright i wait for you to turn away i bite my tongue so i don't say i still love you i say "love what you've done with the place" when i finally find a way to exit with a modicum of grace i find myself half a block away staring at the concrete, thinking of you saying "love you madly for a change" love what you've done with the place no room for me or our past places accepting things as they are "love what you've done with the place"
4.
city dump 02:31
it's early enough on garbage day that i don't think they've arrived yet so i climb into my trash can and pile up coffee grounds and newspapers on me so as to hopefully remain unseen and then the lift, and then the pull clattering against the garbage truck tilt inwards, i fall right in i hit my head on a glass bottle i decompress amongst the filth i decompose a bit more each moment and when i get to the city dump, i awake to find i'm already there
5.
the world turns on its axis and everything changes all the time well, one of these days, i hope that i can change and heal this heart of mine everyone but me seems capable of changing and moving on, but here i am nice people say i shouldn't do what it is i'm about to do well, what do they know of pain? there's no way this ends well all that's left is for it to end quick
6.
how could i live without sin? that sweet and sickly icing makes me glad to be alive wishing i was god's cigarette lighter striking against the gears and becoming that which i was born to be lick if off my fingers until i feel no more, thank god, i feel lighter in the air, i breathe the thing you said just now lingering softly, pausing before it goes hit me one more time, make me cry each tear growing lighter
7.
i will find some way to tell you that i love you but i can't seem to use my mother tongue let's construct our very own language the first grunts and gestures give way to dull apprehension until our illumine hearts can touch each other it's okay if it's not you that's alright, it's fine just don't make me feel stupid for wanting it to be you it's okay if it's not you that's alright, it's fine just don't make me feel stupid for wanting it to be you
8.
the sun is rotten to its core, don't you think? spitting hellfire at me until i'm at the brink, don't you think? don't you think about anything? don't you think about me? i don't think i'm thought of by anyone, and even more rarely understood i don't even understand this heart of mine, don't you see? full of constant sorrow, childish fantasies, and hopeless dreams, don't you see? don't you see me standing here? don't you notice when i'm around? i don't see myself in the mirror— i'm a vampire sucking blood from my own wrist mama, call a lawyer, i'm dead serious, don't you know? i'm swearing off love until at least tomorrow, don't you know? don't you know i'm serious? don't you know i'm heartbroken? if i can't make that girl love me, then i can't make me love myself, oh no
9.
mouthful of mechanic garbled jargon unfamiliar to my mother tongue beings that i'm not informing the being i am arms full of technical an armchair that's no longer in the room but is still occupied by a dog no longer living existence of something not remaining in something that does something that does open waters in all directions losing all sense of myself feigning in prose and weeping in poetry a repose ill-earned juxtaposed in a moment trapped in time until it's not eyes full of past sight you no longer are, but i currently am i may have lost the plot a little bit you no longer are, but i currently am i may have lost the plot a little bit

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perhaps the world ends here

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released December 1, 2022

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The Mess Inside Asheville, North Carolina

lofi from the abyss

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